“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem…” – A. A. Milne
It’s one of those beautiful fall days. The sun sits high and warm in a crystal clear-blue sky, the fresh scent of grass delicately dances in the air, and yellow-stained leaves twist and twirl in the gentle breeze, trying their hardest to not let go of the life-giving branches they’ve called home for the past few months.
But a slight crispness surrounds us, a sign that the snowstorm forecast for tomorrow has started to reach its icy fingers our way, ready and waiting to snatch up these remaining summer moments that have somehow stretched into October.
Wanting to soak up that warm sun before it’s finally stolen away, we decide the afternoon would be best spent outside.
* * *
I’ve barely parked the car at the park when my daughter Zoey unbuckles her seatbelt.
“Can I get out?” she asks. She kicks her feet, watching the leather fringe on her new brown boots swish back and forth.
I nod my head and smile.
Zoey opens the car door, hops out, and takes off running. Surprisingly, the heft of her boots doesn’t seem to deter her: she zips across the park’s still vibrant green field, gracefully navigating between the leaves, acorns, and yellow and white dandelions that lay scattered under her feet.
My mom and I get out of the car and together we fall in step with one another, walking and watching Zoey run toward the playground.
Zoey’s footfall slows momentarily when she reaches sand, but it doesn’t stop her from stepping into it. She skips over to the playground and climbs up onto one of its metal platforms.
She turns back our way, her face full of jittery anticipation, and then, with as much patience as she can muster, she waits for us to reach her. When we finally catch up, she extends an arm—and then a finger—up above to the monkey bars that hang just out of reach above her.
“Can you help me?” she asks me eagerly.
It’s no surprise to me that Zoey has ended up here. Although she has a set of monkey bars she can play on at school, she knows I’ve deemed them off limits: They’re way too high for her tiny 3-foot frame, and the thought of her swinging from them gives me nothing but visions of a broken ankle or arm.
But whenever we’re at the playground together, she always begs for my help, knowing that since I’m there with her, I can provide the boost—and firm foundation—she needs to successfully cross them. Having me there makes the fear of falling and the risk of breaking a bone disappear.
I wrap my arms around Zoey’s waist and lift her up high. She grasps the bars with her hands, and I walk toward the other side, holding her tightly every step of the way. When we reach the end and I set her down, she does a little victory dance.
“Yay!” she cheers. “I did it! I’m getting stronger!”
I watch her happily make her way over to the slide, but then, shielding my eyes from the afternoon sun with my hand, I shift my gaze up toward the bars above me.
I think back to the last time I attempted the monkey bars. It had to have been when I was in middle school—the days when I was not only a cheerleader, but a gymnast as well, and my upper-body strength rivaled that of someone twice my age. They were the days where I would confidently school all the boys on the playground at recess, regaling them with how many push-ups, pull-ups, and back-flips I could do, and of course, showing them how many times I could go back and forth across the monkey bars.
“What do you think?” I ask out loud. “Do you think I can do it, too?”
“Try it!” is the answer the two of them give.
I consider this for a second and then reach up to grab the first bar. It is one of ten that I will need to cross. I hang there, knowing that if I want to move forward, I first need to release my grip. But I hesitate, not trusting my 30-something-year-old arms are strong enough to carry me across.
I hesitate, because there’s no one there waiting to catch me if I fall.
* * *
At my lowest point last year, I sat in the corner of Zoey’s room in the middle of the night, crying.
The midnight light that cut through the darkness illuminated the rise and fall of Zoey’s chest as she breathed gently in her sleep, and then, after it crossed her room, it found me, curled up on the floor, my arms wrapped around myself, my hands desperately clinging to my weary bones.
If someone had found me there in that moment of weakness, they probably would have tried their hardest to get me to speak, to tell them what was wrong. And had I decided to play along, I would have told them how scared I was—for Zoey’s future, for my future, for my health. I would have told them how the unknown paralyzed me. I would have told them how tired I was. I would have told them how I just wanted to feel like myself again. I would have told them how all the dreams I’d once had for myself had all but faded from my sight and how I didn’t know if I’d ever find them again. And I would have told them how all of these fears just kept holding me at this terrible, scary standstill, one I didn’t know how to escape from.
And if that someone had stuck around long enough to listen to my confessions, they would have most likely told me that I needed to stop letting my fear get the better of me.
But in that moment, I only had myself to answer to, and it was there, in that dark silence, that I decided that the only way things were going to get better was if I finally started loosening my grip on the way things were. Deep down, I knew that the only way I could start moving forward again was if I finally started letting go of anything, of something, of everything.
In that moment, I knew I was deciding to change the course of my life, and I knew this decision wasn’t just an option: It was a necessity.
* * *
Now, as I hang here, I think back to that sad, scary—and ultimately life-changing—night, and I think about how different everything is now. I think about how last year I probably wouldn’t have even considered trying to traverse these bars, and how I probably wouldn’t have been strong enough to do so even if I had tried. I think about how I’ve settled into a life where my happy days outweigh my sad ones. I think about how much I’ve grown and changed—all for the better. I think about how resilient and brave Zoey has been, and I think about how she has, in fact, flourished.
And I think about how all of this has happened because I finally made the decision to start letting go:
I let go of the things that were too heavy for me to carry anymore. I let go of the way I thought things should be. I let go of who I thought I needed to be. Of course, there have been times where I’ve fallen—and I still do from time to time—but even when that happens, I’ve learned that I can catch myself if and when I do fall. I’ve learned that hanging suspended in one place, making no effort to move forward, is a surefire way to let fear eat you up.
Because isn’t that what life really is? A lesson in letting go? Every single day, we have to learn a way to let go of something, whether it be a painful past, a broken dream, or a way of life we thought would be ours forever. Perhaps it’s a person you once loved, or a child you’re sending off to college, or a parent as they slip away into their final days.
Whether we’re standing at a critical crossroad or hanging from a monkey bar, at some point or another, we have to loosen our grip and let go. The wonder of it all is that when we do decide to take this profound risk, a space opens up. And it is in that space where we’re finally able to create a series of new beginnings. In that space, we’re finally in a place where we’re able to move forward.
* * *
“Come on, Mommy,” Zoey calls out from her perch on top of the slide. “I know you can do it!”
Her words are the encouragement I need: Deciding to not let fear get the better of me, I uncurl my fingers from the metal bar, and then, before I can change my mind, I let go.
And even though my movement is far from graceful, I keep putting one hand in front of the other, grabbing one bar after another. I miraculously make my way to the end. By the time I let go of the last bar, I’m out of breath and my arms are burning, but I manage to swing myself forward and land on the platform that is there, ready and waiting for my dismount.
I straighten up triumphantly to the sound of Zoey clapping in the distance. I can’t believe I just did that, I think to myself. But I catch myself before I say the thought out loud, and instead, I turn back to look at those monkey bars, the ones I’ve just confidently crossed the way I used to when I was much younger. And even though I’m no longer the person I was back then, I realize some things about me have always remained the same: I was a fighter then, and I’m still a fighter now.
So I’m standing here, proud and confident on this beautiful day, looking back at those monkey bars, and I’m no longer thinking about how I can’t believe what I just did.
I’m thinking about just how far I’ve come.
Let me know: What can you start letting go of? What lessons have you learned by loosening your grip on something that you need to move past?
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I struggle to accept my imperfections, but feel happier when I let go and offer myself some grace. Great post!
We are always much more strong that we think we are!
I am back to struggling with my illness. Mostly because we have hit a point where I can feel changes in my body and I am reminded that I can’t do certain things. It makes me mad all over again. And speaking of monkey bars. In the 5th grade there was a boy. A cute one. And he said the monkey bars were for little kids. So I showed him they could be cool again…by walking ON TOP of them. A cop rode by and told me I should get down but I was only half way to the other end. As he rode away, it happened. I missed a bar and crashed to the ground. Broke my arm. Never again. My boys hear that story every single time they head for the monkey bars. Im just glad most are made of rings these days instead of the ladder type I grew up with! Cant walk on those!! Have a great week!
You are a fighter – what a great story! Sometimes I feel like I still have much to let go of int he past, mainly hurt from other people. But that’s the only real way to move forward
So beautiful – life is learning to let go, but knowing those things we leave behind have only made us stronger. I’m glad you’re getting to a good place and that you’re feeling stronger now.
You are a beautiful writer and I’ve been enjoying your posts and reading your journey and lessons. Letting go has never been an easy thing for me…thanks for your words.
What a greater story, we are often so much stronger than we think.
Oh my goodness, yes to letting go, but it can be sooooo hard! I think I need to work on letting go of what I think perfection should look like, and realize that I am good enough.
It’s 25 minutes until soccer training and no time for tears. I’m sitting in a park, on a day like you described, only Carolina style. (No snow in the forecast.)
I’m figuratively on that first bar, fearful for falling or getting hurt. Keenly aware of the reward at the end and teetering on whether I know I can do this. But I have, also, taken the first step.
I’ve been gone so long from reading here and this was the perfect way to return. You are strong. You are incredible. And I thank you for finding a way to make me see myself that way, too,
It’s the mind that cripples us. It’s the mind that makes us weak. Go you for taking that literal leap. What a perfect example for your girl <3
This is such a beautiful post. I have definitely been where you are, and I remember the feeling of being able to cross the monkey bars. As you say, sometimes, I fall, but the important part is to keep going and don’t look back, unless it’s to see how far you’ve come. Just as you did. Thanks for sharing.
What an insightful read (and I’m happy you got across the monkey bars)! I’m trying to let go of the fact that I can’t have kids. Always my biggest dream and still is – but it’s not healthy for me to always focus on it. I have a long way to go, but I have noticed I don’t get as upset about things as a used to. I can live my life now (unlike the past) even though I still think of it daily. Reading your post makes me realize we all have something we want to and have to let go of. I guess acknowledging it is the first step 🙂
Great post. It really resonated with me.
Thank you for sharing this. I think a lot of us Moms can totally relate to this, at least I can . Great post!
Love your fight and perspective!! This is awesome and I think resonates with us all.
Wonderful post. There are many times in our lives where we have to let go of things to move forward. It’s a good message to have.
You are such a fighter and this is a beautiful story XO. https://mylogicalliving.com/2017/10/18/christmas-gifts-thinking-outside-the-box/
You are an absolutely incredible writer! I love your posts and each one is engaging, compelling and resonates with me. Simply beautiful!
This one especially hit home with me! Having no one to catch you if you fall…but yourself. It’s a trying and lonely road but one full of inspiration and self-reflection.
Great post. I can absolutely relate as I try to let go of some past hurts that still haunt me today.
I love this thought provoking post. Tonight during my meditation I will reflect on what I can let go of.
Wise words and food for thought
This was a thought provoking post. I have a hard time letting go of past failures and it is crippling in moving forward. Letting go isn’t always easy, but I’ve also been working on letting go of some things so I can focus more on the present and my future.
This is a beautifully written post Corey! Letting go is something that can be so hard to even think about doing but so liberating when you finally decide to do it!
A beautifully written blog post and one that’s made me think. Our brains are so powerful and often hold us back from taking that leap of faith that on the whole we are more than capable of taking. Thank you for sharing
What a beautiful post! It’s so important to give yourself grace. You are a very strong mama!
I think you voiced what so many others of us feel on a daily or weekly basis. Thank you for sharing your heart in this post – and become so vulnerable. It’s truly an act of courage to do what you did.
Such a beautiful post! You are so brave! I agree that it is only when we let go that we can truly move forward!
Belle | One Awesome Momma
I can relate to this so much! Especially now after being pregnant with our second child these feelings come often. I just have to remind myself to take it one day at a time and breath.
This is a beautiful lesson about the monkey bars. I actually have a story of my own and my lesson from the monkey bars is that of perseverance. I still carry an inch long scar from busting my chin open twice learning to cross them. Let go and persevere, I like it.
Beautiful! The way you’ve woven the words and the story. The way you’ve let go and learned to just be. The way you’ve reminded us how important it is to let go! I needed that reminder today. XO
You’ve got this, mama! Anxiety can be a true monster when the lights go out. Thank you for sharing your success story.
I have the hardest time letting go myself. Looking back on life I see where it has stalled my progress and I don’t want that anymore. You put it into words beautifully <3
A really well written post! I am that kind of person who had difficulties to let things I cant control go…I try not to think about this and that and ask myself What if question! But ever since I got my daughter and starting the blog to be honest I am so tired that I have no time to worry anymore about those things not worth thinking of.
I love your writing style! This is so beautifully written! It reminds me of Philippians 3:13-14 where Paul reminds us to forget those things that are behind and press toward the goal of our calling in Jesus.
You are so right. It’s so important to let go to move forward even though it’s so challenging. 🙂
You are such a beautiful writer. It felt like I was in the middle of a book reading your post. Letting go it hard but you’re right, its important to let go and move forward.
So beautifully written. I like that you said life is a series of letting go’s because it truly is. I think when October comes around, it makes me emotional at the thought that another year has come and is almost gone. It’s a reminder for me to make each moment the best as I could make it. I too recently went on the monkey bars for the first time since my childhood and boy am I a lot heavier now! But it taught me a valuable lesson too – life will change and it may weight me down, but I just gotta keep on holding on and taking leaps of faith to get to where I want to be. Your post reminded me of that little thought that entered my mind as I struggled on those monkey bars.
I’ve let go of a lot of things the past couple years. Mostly the hurt someone caused me. It wasn’t overnight, but I’m so glad I let it go. I feel so much better!
I love the descriptive way you write! This is applicable to the last year of my life as well, although I’m still stuck halfway through the bars, dangling there. Time heals, what matters is progression. I’d like to think that through it, my daughter sees a pillar of strength. Thanks for your great writing!
i love reading about your insights! letting go is such an important part of life!!